Major Hoople
The man (and what a man he is, Kaff-Kaff!) behind the legend that is Major Amos B. Hoople.

I was born in a football helmet in Amos Alonzo Stagg's basement some time between the Ice Age and Prohibition. My father played tackle for Stagg. Funny, so did my mother. That's where I get my good looks! Harrumph!

I became a peerless prognosticator because someone had to give you poor peasants guidance, not to mention cash. Besides, ABC wouldn't hire a stud for "The Batchelor" who refuses to take off his helmet! Kaff-kaff!

Over the years, I've learned from many other fearless forecasters. Joe Namath, who guaranteed a Super Bowl victory for the Jets over the Colts, was a role model. Fortunately, I've avoided one of the most negative influences on prognosticators - weathermen. After all, I'm right! Kaff-kaff!

For a man my age, I'm in perfect health. And I've got complete control of my faculties, which is more than you can say for Terry (Where's the Butterfly Net) Bradshaw! Harrumph!

Finally, I'm fully prepared to teach you helpless peasants a thing or two about football. Not that you'll pay attention. You're as good at forecasting as Gary Barnett is at keeping track of his players. Kaff-kaff!
Hooplespeak - Here are some terms that frequently appear in my fearless forecasts. Try to remember them. Write them down. Or hire someone who knows how to write, Harrumph!