Hoople-ography
The man (and what a man he is, Kaff-Kaff!) behind the legend that is Major Amos B. Hoople.

I was born in a football helmet in Amos Alonzo Stagg's basement some time between the Ice Age and Prohibition. My father played tackle for Stagg. Funny, so did my mother. That's where I get my good looks! Harrumph!

I became a peerless prognosticator because someone had to give you poor peasants guidance, not to mention cash. Besides, ABC wouldn't hire a stud for "The Batchelor" who refuses to take off his helmet! Kaff-kaff!

Over the years, I've learned from many other fearless forecasters. Joe Namath, who guaranteed a Super Bowl victory for the Jets over the Colts, was a role model. Fortunately, I've avoided one of the most negative influences on prognosticators - weathermen. After all, I'm right! Kaff-kaff!

For a man my age, I'm in perfect health. And I've got complete control of my faculties, which is more than you can say for Terry (Where's the Butterfly Net) Bradshaw! Harrumph!

Finally, I'm fully prepared to teach you helpless peasants a thing or two about football. Not that you'll pay attention. You're as good at forecasting as Gary Barnett is at keeping track of his players. Kaff-kaff!

Hooplespeak - Here are some terms that frequently appear in my fearless forecasts. Try to remember them. Write them down. Or hire someone who knows how to write, Harrumph!

• Bumble-bees - Iowa fans. Most of the time, Hawkeye backers are about as annoying as bumble-bees! Kaff-Kaff!
• Cyclods - Iowa State people. Here's a sure way to identify one. Look under a rock during the week Iowa State plays Kansas State. That's a Cyclod hiding until the whupping is over. Kyuk-Kyuk!
• Egad! - My favorite word. I use to show you peasants my genius, my unerring ability to pick winners. Besides, it's the only four-letter word I can use in public. Harrumph!
• Hoople World Headquarters - my home here in the Cedar Valley. Stop by any time. I have an open door. Of course, that's because I have no doors. Kaff-kaff!
• Liver-lips - The assortment of dimwits and halfwits who send me forecasts and dispatches. They're the people who keep the crayon companies in business. Harrumph!
• Loyal assistants - The always-changing cast of characters who pretend to work for me. I fire them - and rehire them - about once a week, or about as often as Kyle Farnsworth holds a lead. Kaff-kaff!